The impact of a new baby on the family can be significant. Learn how to prepare your older child, introduce the new baby, and foster a healthy sibling bond.
Bringing a newborn home is a little different the second time around. With your first child, you focused on figuring out how to care for the baby. With your second baby, you're probably wondering how your older child will react to the new sibling and how you'll be able to meet both their needs. Here's some information for this new change in your life.
How can I prepare my older child for a new sibling?
Start by talking with your older child about the new baby's arrival. Using age-appropriate language, explain how the baby grows and ask for help preparing the room. Enroll in a hospital-prepared class so children and parents can learn together what it means to become a big sibling.
Explain to your older child that the baby will eat, sleep, cry most of the time, and, at first, won't be able to be their playmate.
If it's necessary for your older child to move out of the crib or change rooms to make room for the new baby, do so before the birth to give them a chance to get used to the new setup before facing the baby's arrival. Try to have your older child toilet-trained before the baby arrives, or wait a few months after the new baby arrives to begin the process.
Arrange for someone to watch your older child while you're in the hospital or birthing center, and let the child know you'll only be gone for a short time and then return. If possible, arrange for the child to visit the hospital or birthing center in advance so it won't be such a mystery.
How should I introduce the new sibling?
When the baby arrives, ask a relative or friend to take your older child to the hospital or birthing center for a short visit. Allow someone else in the family to hold the baby for a while so both parents can cuddle with the older child.
Consider giving your older child a gift from the baby, such as a T-shirt that clearly says "big brother." When you return home, take your older child to a special place, such as their favorite playground, to celebrate the arrival of their new sibling.
How can I help my older child adjust to their new sibling?
Your older child's age and development will impact their reaction to the new sibling. Older children are generally eager to have a new sibling, but younger children may be confused or upset. Consider these tips to help your child adjust to the new situation.
- Children under 2 years old. Young children may not yet understand what it means to have a new sibling. Talk to your child about the new addition to the family and look at books with pictures of babies and families together.
- Children ages 2 to 4. Children at this age are still quite attached to their parents and may feel jealous of sharing their attention with a newborn. Explain that the baby will need a lot of attention and encourage them to participate by taking you shopping for baby supplies. Read to your older child about babies and older siblings. Give your older child a doll so they have someone to care for, too. Look at photographs of your older child as a baby together and tell them the story of their birth.
- School-age children. Older children may feel jealous of all the attention the new baby is getting. Talk to your older child about the newborn's needs. Point out the benefits of being older, such as going to bed later. Display your older child's drawings in the baby's room or ask them to help you care for the baby.
Regardless of your older child's age, make sure they receive individual attention when the new baby arrives. If you take photographs or videos of the baby, include your older child and also take photographs and videos of the boy or girl alone. Consider having small gifts on hand to give to your older child in case a visitor brings gifts for the new baby.
What should I do if my child starts misbehaving?
Your older child might start breaking rules to try to get attention, even if it means being punished. To stop this behavior, praise your older child when they behave well. If you suspect your child is misbehaving to get attention, consider ignoring their behavior, as this might encourage them to find more positive ways to get your attention. Talk to your older child and ask them how they feel now with the new sibling—listen to what they say.
Keep in mind that after the arrival of a new baby, children sometimes regress or act younger; for example, they may have toilet training accidents or want to go back to the bottle. These are normal reactions to the stress of having a new sibling and require tolerance, rather than punishment. Provide love and reassurance when they display regressive behavior.
How can I motivate my older child to treat the new baby well?
Sometimes older children become stressed by the changes happening around them and take their frustration out on the new baby. If your older child tries to hurt the baby, it's time to discuss what is appropriate behavior and what is not. Also, pay more attention to your older child and include them in activities you do with the baby, such as singing to them, bathing them, or changing diapers. Praise your older child when they treat the new baby lovingly.
It's essential to supervise children, even when they seem to be getting along. Never leave a newborn alone with a sibling or anyone under 12.
How will my older child react to breastfeeding?
If you plan to breastfeed your newborn, you may wonder how your older child will react or how to keep them occupied while you do so. The first time your older child sees you breastfeeding, he or she may start circling you. Explain what you're doing and answer his or her questions. If you also breastfed him or her, explain that you did the same with him or her.
Consider creating a breastfeeding routine that includes your older child, whom you can assign a special role, such as helping with diaper changes before feeding or bringing you a pillow. To keep your child entertained while you breastfeed, have special toys or an activity book ready in advance. Play music or an audible version of a storybook. Invite your older child to cuddle with you while you breastfeed. If your older child asks to breastfeed, the decision is yours. Most older children find the experience awkward and lose interest.
How do I explain a possible health problem to my older child?
If your newborn has health problems, explain to your older child that their sibling is sick and that you are worried about it. If the baby needs to stay in the hospital after birth, ask about the policy for sibling visits. You can also take pictures of the baby and show them to the older sibling.
Remember that even if you don't talk to your older child about the baby's condition, the child may still sense that something is wrong. Instead of hiding the situation, give them some information about what's going on and show them you're there if they need you.
How does having multiples affect older siblings?
If more than one baby is born, the time demands placed on those children are even greater for parents. Multiples also attract attention from family, friends, and even strangers. An older sibling might feel jealous or left out.
Your older child will need special time alone with you. You might also consider giving them "double rewards" for helping care for the babies.
How do I prepare my older child for the arrival of an adopted sibling?
If you have an older child and decide to adopt a baby, you'll have to answer several questions about babies and families. There are age-appropriate books about adoption that can help you discuss how the process works and what becoming a big sibling will mean for your child.
The fact that the timing of your adoption placement is unpredictable can make things difficult for your other children. Sometimes, the wait for adoption is quite long, unlike other times when the placement happens quickly. The possibility of having to wait or needing to hurry makes the transition to older siblings stressful.
If the adopted child isn't a baby, the transition to sibling relationships happens at a different pace. Your other children will have difficulty sharing not only you, but also their toys and space. It may also be difficult for the children to understand the amount of time and attention their adopted sibling needs at first, even if they seem "old enough."
There's no doubt that the arrival of a new sibling will change your family. As your older child adjusts, emphasize how much you love them. Explain that they now have another important role to fulfill: that of an older sibling.
We hope this information has been helpful.
Dr. Garofalo